


I'm Twisted Up (Inside My Mind)

by tomarkislife



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, High School AU, Kinda stalking, M/M, Nightmares, Sad, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, but not that sad, relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-20
Updated: 2015-04-20
Packaged: 2018-03-21 04:11:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3676932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomarkislife/pseuds/tomarkislife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tyler doesn't really have a lot going for him in high school. I mean he has basketball, that new toy piano his bought for him months ago he's been meaning to take out of the box... And the new kid with pink hair in his math class is cute. OK maybe the new kid is really cute. And maybe he's stalking him. But he's got it under control. He thinks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Twisted Up (Inside My Mind)

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings for sucidal thoughts, actions, and self harm. If you are easily triggered by those things please do not read this story. Also it's not severely graphic I just thought I should mention it.

Tyler sits in the back of his math class, anxiously tapping his leg up and down. This class needs to end or he might kill himself. He doesn't need more of a reason to want to do that.

The only thing keeping him from jumping out of the window is the new guy with pink hair sitting directly in front of him. He noticed him (it was hard not to) the second he walked into class exactly five minutes late. Since then, he hasn't been able to take his eyes off of him.

Tyler doesn't believe in that "love at first sight" bullshit but this kid... He just knew that he needed to meet him. To talk to him. Tell him about all the demons running around inside his mind. Just... Hear his voice.

Without realizing, the bell signaling the end of the school day, rings and Tyler is the last one to stand. Except the new kid, who slowly and shakily stood up after him. Tyler senses his nervousness as he walks past. He wants to ask if he'll be OK, but he doesn't. He just keeps walking.

 

* * *

 

Tyler sees the kid in the halls at school the next day. They make eye contact for a half a second but both dart their eyes away as fast as possible. Tyler's face turns bright red. He needs to calm down.

 

* * *

 

Things may have gotten a little out of control with the pink haired boy situation. As in Tyler may or may not be stalking him. OK, Tyler is definitely stalking him.

It's gotten to the point where he's skipping classes so he can see which class he's in. Oh yeah... And his name is Josh. Joshua Dun. He might be looking at the top of his papers in math class.

He also notices he hasn't made any new friends since the first week he's been here. Every time someone even starts to look or talk to Josh, he would tense up and end the conversation as quickly as possible.

Tyler wants to talk to Josh, but he can't bring himself to do it. He knows the conversation wouldn't last long anyways. But at least there would be one.

 

* * *

 

"Hey!" a voice shouts after Tyler.

Tyler turns around hesitantly and sees the pink haired boy, Josh, running down the empty hallway after him. "Are you stalking me?"

Tyler tenses and turns to walk about, but feels a hand a touch his shoulder. He panics more. "S-sorry," he stutters, trying to wriggle out of Josh's grip on his shoulder.

"It's OK just..." he trails off. "If you want to talk to me don't be a fucking creep about it,"

Tyler is taken aback by his words. Tears start forming in his eyes and he starts breathing heavily. "I'm-I-I-I'm s-sorry," he barely gets out, unable to catch his breath.

He finally gets out of Josh's grip and starts to walk away, his body shaking with sobs at this point.

"Wait!" Josh calls after him. "I-I, uh, didn't mean to be a dick!"

Tyler stops and turns back slowly. He wipes at his eyes vigioursly. "S-sorry," Tyler says weakly. "For... For being a creep."

They both go silent for a few moments. Josh steps closer to Tyler. "It's OK," he mumbles. "You actually seem pretty cool. Maybe we could hangout sometime."

Tyler stares at Josh, then nods slightly. Josh pulls his phone out of his pocket and hands it to Tyler. "Put your phone number in there. I'll text you."

Sheepishly, Tyler takes the phone and shakily puts his number in. "Cool," says Josh, turning away from Tyler and walking away.

Tyler stares after him, shaking. He just talked to Josh Dun. He just exchanged numbers with Josh Dun. Tyler thinks he's going to pass out. He just talked to Joshua Dun.

 

* * *

 

Days go by before he gets a text from Josh. Tyler's phone never goes off, so the second it does, he knows it him.

Freaking out slightly, he slowly grabs his phone and opens it.

 

From: unknown number

Hey. It's Josh. What's up?

 

Tyler thinks about his response for way too long. This is Josh Dun after all. He can't fuck this up.

 

To: unknown number

Hey. Not much. What's up with you?

 

Tyler waits for his response, just staring at his phone.

 

From: unknown number

Same. You wanna hangout or something?

 

His heart starts racing. Josh Dun actually wants to hangout with him. After Tyler's stalking... He actually wants to hangout with him.

 

To: unknown number

Yeah sure. Where?

 

From: unknown number

How bout that shitty park by school?

 

To: unknown number

Ok cool

 

From: unknown number

Meet in half hour?

 

To: unknown number

Sure, sounds good

 

From: unknown number

Cool

 

Tyler, silently freaking out, quickly makes Josh a contact in his phone and puts his name in it, then gets up to tell his mom where he's going.

He's going to hangout with Joshua Dun. He really is.

 

* * *

 

Tyler has officially decided that Josh Dun is the greatest person to ever live on the planet. He is perfect. The awkward, self conscious, quiet kid he sees at school disappeared. He found out more about Josh than Tyler even knew about himself. And they only hung out for a couple hours. 

He loved that he was so open about everything. He found out he moved to Columbus from a few towns over because of his moms work, he was extremely obsessed with music and the drums and only wanted to do that after high school, and he semi mentioned an anxiety disorder her had. 

Tyler is probably in love with Josh Dun. And by probably he _definitely_ was in love with him. And Tyler didn't know what to about it.

 

* * *

 

Tyler wakes up violently, sweating and breathing heavily. This was not an uncommon thing to occur. Waking up in the middle of the night after a nightmare. He knows he won't be able to get back to sleep. 

He reaches for his phone on the bedside table to check the time. There's a text from Josh. 

 

From: Josh

Are you awake? I can't sleep.

 

Tyler blinks at the text before responding. 

 

To: Josh

Yeah

 

From: Josh 

Why can't you sleep? 

 

Tyler hesitates to answer. He feels embarrassed. Having nightmares at seventeen.

 

To: Josh

Just stressed from school. Can't stop thinking about it

 

From: Josh

That sucks

 

Neither text back for a few moments

 

From: Josh

This is kinda embarrassing but... I had a nightmare

 

Tyler stares at the text, confused. He never would have thought Josh had nightmares. He may have had some anxiety, but he looked like a strong person. Someone who wouldn't be having something bothering his sleep. 

 

To: Josh

I'm sorry, man. That sucks. What was it about? 

 

From: Josh

Nothing really. It just freaked me out

 

To: Josh

I'm sorry

 

Another few textless moments. 

 

From: Josh

Can I just call you? This texting thing feels awkward

 

Tyler's heart starts racing. He wants to... Call him? 

 

To: Josh

Sure

 

He waits anxiously for his phone to start going off. Once it does he answers probably too quickly. "Hey," he says, trying to sound casual. 

"Hey," says Josh. Awkward silence. "Can I tell you something, Tyler?" Josh practically whispers through the phone. 

"Yeah, sure," They go back to being silent, Tyler only hearing Josh's heavy breathing.

"I have nightmares a lot. And they really scare me." 

Tyler can barely hear him he is talking so quietly. He's still confused as to why Josh is being so open with him. "I'm sorry," Tyler manages to say. "What are they about?" 

"S-Sometimes... I die," he says bluntly. "And when I wake up... I'm confused. Because the dream felt that real." 

Tyler is speechless. He swears he can hear Josh starting to cry softly on the other end, but he doesn't comment on it. "I get that. When I was younger I had nightmares all the time. Just like you said," Tyler struggles with the next words he's about to say. "I mean... I-I still get them sometimes." 

Josh doesn't say anything back. He starts crying harder. "I-I'm s-sorry, Tyler," he stutters. "I-I-I have... H-Have to go," 

Before Tyler can protest, Josh hangs up. Tyler wants to call him back, tell him everything will be OK, but he can't being himself to do it. Instead he sets his phone down and starts rubbing his eyes, trying to stop the flow of tears pouring out of his eyes. 

It's going to be a long night. 

 

* * *

 

The next day at school, Josh avoids Tyler. He starts to ignore his texts. Tyler knows somethings wrong. 

He just doesn't know what to do. 

 

* * *

 

It's been a couple days since they've talked when Tyler finally gets a reply back from him through text. 

 

 

From: Josh

Sorry I haven't talked to you in a while. I get like this sometimes. Sorry

 

 

Tyler hates that he's apologizing. He has nothing to be sorry for. He can't help what he's feeling. 

 

 

To: Josh

It's ok. Are you alright? 

 

 

A few minutes pass before he gets a response.

 

 

From: Josh

I'm not sure. Do you think I could come over or something? I don't wanna be alone right now

 

 

To: Josh

Yeah, of course

 

 

From: Josh

Thanks. Where do you live? 

 

 

Tyler gives him his address and tells him mom Josh is coming over. He can't believe Josh Dun is coming over.

The whole waiting period, Tyler is freaking out. What if Josh makes fun of his room? What if one of his siblings does something embarrassing? What if he does something embarrassing? Then the doorbell rings. 

Tyler jumps up and runs down to answer the door before anyone else can. He opens the door and reveals a very tired, almost dead, looking Josh. He isn't smiling like his usual self. "H-Hey," Josh stutters. 

"Hey. Come in." Josh awkwardly walks in. "We can, uh, go to my room," Tyler says nervously. Josh just nods, a blank expression on his face. They walk up the stairs to his room and before anyone can say anything to either of them, Tyler shuts the door to his room. As expected, an awkward silence falls over the room. "Do you wanna tell me what's wrong?" Tyler finally asks as Josh sits on the edge of his bed. 

Josh shuts his eyes and starts to shake his head. "I'm sorry," he mutters. 

Tyler sits next to him, a comfortable distance away to not invade Josh's personal space. "It's OK if you don't want to." 

"I-I know. But I want to tell you. Really bad." Josh digs his nails into the palms of his hands. Tyler doesn't say anything back, just moves a little closer to Josh. Without saying anything, Josh leans into Tyler, a few tears streaming down his cheeks. "I'm just a little messed up right now," he whispers into Tyler's shoulder. 

Tyler wraps an arm around Josh, trying to make him comfortable. "Me too," he breaths, feeling relived to get the words out. 

They sit in silence, the only sound is Josh's quiet crying. Tyler wants to lie down, Josh curled up in his arms, but he can't. They're barely even friends. So instead, he rests he head on top of Josh's and whispers that everything's going to be alright. 

Tyler doesn't believe what he's saying. But he wants Josh to believe. He wants Josh to be OK. 

 

* * *

 

Tyler and Josh are getting closer. They start telling one another when they can't handle the things in their heads. When the voices get too loud. Tyler's never done that before. He's always dealt with everything on his own. 

Tyler likes having someone to talk to. He especially likes that he gets to talk to Josh. Tyler might still be in love with Josh. 

 

* * *

 

Tyler never expects Josh to be gay. He just doesn't seem like that kinda guy. 

"Have you ever had a girlfriend?" Tyler randomly asks while they're at his house. 

Josh laughs slightly. "Yeah," he says confidently. "In elementary school." 

Tyler can't help but laugh. "Really? That's all?" Tyler would be surprised if that was true. With how amazingly gorgeous he was Tyler wasn't surprised every girl in school was in love with him. 

"I mean... That's my only girlfriend. I've one or two boyfriends though." Tyler sits up and stares at Josh. "What?" Josh asks, notices Tyler's stares. 

"You're gay?" he asks bluntly. 

Josh almost glares at him. "Yeah. Is that a problem?" 

Tyler immediately shakes his head. "No, not at all. I mean... So am I." 

Both of them go silent. "Really?" Tyler nods slowly. They stare at each other for a long time. Josh starts laughing and now Tyler's confused. 

"Wha-What's so funny?" he asks nervously.

"I just fucking knew you were gay."

Tyler continues to stare at Josh, who is still laughing pretty hard. He can't help but smile at him. "You fucking asshole," Tyler says, throwing a pillow at him. Josh just keeps laughing.

 

* * *

 

One thing Tyler never experienced before becoming friends with Josh was a sleepover. All seventeen years of his life he had never had one. Now he is. It wasn't even intentional. All the sudden it was eleven at night and Tyler's mom was telling them Josh's parents wanted him to stay the night. Neither argued against it.

Since it was late, and the two of them were too lazy to set up an air mattress for Josh, they decide to both sleep on Tyler's bed. It's not like they didn't do this before when they hung out. But now they would be sleeping, under the blankets, their skin almost touching. Tyler doesn't know what to think of this. 

It was when Josh starts to take off his shirt and pants and strip down to his boxers that Tyler realizes how nervous he is. Josh gives him a strange look. "Oh, uh, do you want me to wear some clothes?" he asks. 

Tyler shakes his head, still fixated on Josh's body. Josh, a little uneasy, slips his shirt back on. Tyler looks away now, extremely embarrassed. "I'll, um, change now," he manages, standing up from his bed to grab some clothes.

Too awkward to change in front of Josh, he goes to his bathroom. God why can't he just act normal. He knows Josh is only his friend. Friends can change in front of each other. 

When he walks back out, he see Josh looking at a notebook. His notebook. "Wait, Josh," Tyler says panicking slightly. 

Josh looks up from the notebook, sympathy in his eyes. "Do you really feel like that?" he asks. 

Tyler starts to panic. He wrote about Josh in that notebook. He wrote about how beautiful he thought he was, how amazing he was, how happy he made him. And Josh read it. 

"Do you still want to?" Josh asks. 

'Still want to what?' Tyler thinks. 'Hold you? Touch you? Kiss you?' Tyler's breathing speeds up. 

"Tyler it's OK to want to just... Don't act it. It will only makes things worse." 

Now Tyler can't breath. Tears start blurring his vision. Josh doesn't feel the same way. Of course he doesn't. Why would he? "N-no," Tyler stutters, rubbing at his eyes. 

"It's OK to want to hurt yourself just please don't," Josh says, standing up and walking towards Tyler. 

'Hurt myself?' 

Tyler looks at the still open notebook and sees that he's only in a few pages. The stuff he wrote months ago. He never got to anything recent. He breaths. 

"I-I don't anymore," he whispers as Josh pulls him into a hug. "That was a while ago." 

Josh doesn't say anything, just hugs him tighter. Tyler grips onto his shirt and presses into Josh's chest. He feels warm and safe. 

Later, Josh and Tyler are lying in his bed, still cuddled next to each other. Tyler's not sure if friends do this. He doesn't care. 

He likes it too much. 

 

* * *

 

Tyler doesn't know why him and Josh are fighting he just knows he hates it. They're at Tyler's house, alone, and Tyler asks if Josh is alright. He seems tense. And then they're fighting.

"What did I do?! I just asked if you were alright!" Tyler shouts, shaking and holding back tears. He doesn't like when Josh gets angry.

"You shouldn't have to ask! I'll tell you when I'm not alright! And I'm fine right now anyways!" Josh yells, scaring Tyler.

Tyler shakes his head. "No you're not! You never yell! Especially at me!" Now Tyler can't help the few tears that are falling from his eyes.

"Why are you crying?!" Josh asks harshly. Tyler can't answer. He just starts shaking. Josh groans and balls his hands into fists.

Tyler has no idea why but as soon as he sees Josh's hands in fists, he thinks he going to hit him. His reflexes kick in and he puts his hands in front of him, backing away slightly. He doesn't see Josh walk over to the wall.

Josh angrily punches the wall and when he does, Tyler jumps at the sound and trips over his feet, falling to the ground. His hands are still covering his face and he's sobbing at this point. Josh hears Tyler's sobs and looks back at him. "Oh, Tyler," he says, suddenly realizing he scared him. "I'm sorry, Tyler. I didn't mean to scare you. I just get angry sometimes," he reassures walking towards Tyler and kneeling down beside him.

He goes to touch Tyler's shoulder but he's still shaking and scared of Josh, so when he feels his touch, he twitches and hits his arm away. "I-I-I-I'm..." Tyler can't get the next word out. He can't breath.

"Shhh, it's OK," Josh says. "Just take some deep breaths, Tyler. It's gonna be OK. I'm not gonna hurt you. I promise." Tyler tries to mimic Josh's breathing but when Josh takes one breath, Tyler takes multiple.

"S-sorry," he finally manages to say.

"You don't have to be sorry," Josh says, softly resting a hand on Tyler's shoulder. Tyler leans towards Josh and buries himself in his chest. He feels Josh's arms wrap around him. "You're gonna be OK,"

Eventually, Tyler calms down and he starts wiping away his tears quickly, embarrassed. "I'm sorry," he whispers.

"No, Tyler. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you and I shouldn't take my anger out on you." Josh says, hugging Tyler tighter.

They end up on Tyler's bed again, this time half spooning. Tyler wants to grab Josh's hand and kiss it and whisper to Josh that he loves him. But he can't. So he'll take there friendly cuddling. 

He hears Josh's evened out breathing and turns around to see him asleep. Tyler chuckles slightly and smiles. He looks so peaceful. 

Taking his chance, he places a soft kiss on Josh's hands and wraps his fingers around his. It feels right. 

He feels right. 

 

* * *

 

Tyler's lying flat in his bed, tears pouring out of his eyes. He doesn't know why but he can't breath. He can't feel anything. Right now... He just wants to disappear. 

Tyler shakily stands from his bed and walks across his room, pulling a small box off his bookshelf. When he opens it, he stares blankly at all the small razors inside. He picks the smallest one. He doesn't want to cause too much of a mess.

He stumbles back to his bed, practically sobbing at this point. Then he does it. He drags the razor over his skin, creating three straight lines across his arm. 

Now he's sobbing. 

And screaming. 

He can't stop. 

He doesn't know why. 

And for some reason... He won't tell Josh. 

 

* * *

 

"Hey, Tyler?" Josh says. Tyler looks over at him. Josh is giving him another sympathetic look. "Is this yours?" he asks, holding up the small razor. There's still blood on it. 

Tyler's breathing stops and he starts to shake his head. "N-no," he says. "I-I don't... I don't do that," Josh can't know. 

"Don't lie to me, Tyler," Josh says, a little bitterly. 

Tyler starts rubbing at his eyes, he's breathing become irregular, and he can't feel it when Josh starts hugging him. "Why did you do it?" Josh asks wearily. 

Tyler tries to answer but his words just turn to sobs and stuttered sorry's. "Don't apologize," says Josh. "It's not your fault." 

"I-I'm... I'm not a-as fine as I-I s-s-seem," he barely gets out, choking on a sob. 

"I know. Me too." 

Tyler sobs into Josh's shoulder, gripping onto his shirt. "T-Thanks," he says, finally starting to calm down.

"No problem," Josh says, his voice still sounding shaking. "Just... Please don't do that again. I love you so much, Tyler. Please... Don't hurt yourself like that." 

Tyler barely nods against Josh. He just said he loves him. Josh Dun... Just said... He loved him. 

Tyler looks up at Josh and stares at his lips. He wants to know what they feel like. Taste like. He just wants them. So... He leans in and then suddenly, there lips are connected. Tyler is kissing and, to his surprise, Josh is kissing back. 

They separate, Tyler a little freaked out. He just kissed Josh Dun. 

"What was that?" Josh asks, smiling. 

Tyler shrugs. "Did you like it?" Tyler asks, suddenly nervous. 

Josh nods. "Yeah. It was great." 

Tyler smiles. "Can we do it again?" 

Josh laughs, smiling brightly at him. "Of course." 

They start kissing again, this time more intense. Josh slips his tongue into Tyler's mouth and Tyler can feel his face turn red. There lips keep bumping due to their smiling but they don't stop. They don't want this moment to end. Finally, they pull away, only because Tyler needs to be able to take in a breath. 

Josh is still smiling at Tyler. "That was..." Josh pauses and searches for a word. "Amazing," he breaths. 

Tyler nods sheepishly. "You're... You're my first kiss," he admits. "You're basically my first everything. First real friend, first person I've been able talk to, first person who actually gives a shit..." 

"I am a good first?" Josh asks. 

Tyler chuckles. "Yeah. I'm really glad you're my first ." 

Josh ends up spending the night at Tyler's. The two talk, cuddle, and make out the whole night. Tyler thinks this is the first time he's ever been happy. He never wants this feeling to go away. 

 

* * *

 

Tyler and Josh lay spooning on Tyler's bed, a normal thing for them to do.  "Josh?" Tyler almost whispers, untangling himself from Josh so he could turn around and face him. 

"Yeah?" Josh says, smiling slightly. The skin around his eyes crinkles slightly and Tyler can't help but smile just a little. 

"Why do you like me?" Tyler asks, turning serious. Josh eyes him. "I'm serious. Why? It's not like I'm special or anything. And-" 

Josh cuts him off by kissing him. "You have no idea how amazing you are, Tyler," Josh says after they break away from the kiss. Tyler smiles sheepishly. "I love you," 

Tyler's face goes red and he smiles somewhat awkwardly. "I-I love you too," he manages. 

Josh smiles wider and kisses Tyler's forehead. "I know it's hard to see but believe me, Tyler. You're amazing," Josh presses there foreheads together and closes his eyes. "I promise." 

Tyler nods slightly. He wants to believe Josh, he really does. But for some reason... He just can't.

 

* * *

 

Tyler's not sure why but... Everything feels wrong. He feels all wrong inside. He doesn't think he deserves Josh. He feels like he's just a burden on Josh. 

He just wants to disappear again.

 

* * *

 

They were fighting again. Josh was in another one of his moods. Tyler had been reckless with his self harm so obviously Josh found out.

"How could you do this to yourself again, Tyler!?" Josh shouts, holding up the somewhat bloody razor for Tyler to see. "Why don't you talk to me anymore!?"

Tyler can't answer. He doesn't know why. He knows Josh cares about him but he just can't bring himself to talk to him anymore. "I don't know," Tyler mutters.

"Why do you mean you don't know!?" Josh yells, only getting more angry. "Please, Tyler, you have to talk to me! I can't see you do this to yourself anymore!" He grips Tyler's shoulders and shakes him slightly.

Now panicking, Tyler pushes him away and backs away from him. "N-No," he stutters, tears forming in his eyes. He can feel himself shaking so he digs his nails into the palm of his hands to stop himself. "I can't!" he snaps. "You don't understand, Josh! I can't! I fucking can't let you in! It's not fucking fair to you!"

Josh doesn't say anything, he just stares at Tyler as he starts sobbing. "Tyler, please, just-"

"No," Tyler interrupts.

"I didn't mean to upset you, Ty. Please understand that."

"No!" Tyler yells. "No no no!" Tyler starts rubbing at his eyes, his shaking becoming uncontrollable now.

"Tyler, please, I'm sorry."

"Go... Away," Tyler practically whispers. He feels Josh's hand touch his shoulder. Now he's freaking out, screaming at Josh to get away from him. Tyler shoves him away. "Leave me alone!"

"Tyler, calm down," Josh says, he voice still calm.

"No no no! No!" Tyler shakes his head and tries to shove Josh from his room.

Josh grabs Tyler's arms and holds them down. "Stop!" he shouts. Tyler stares at Josh, a few tears streaming down his face. "I'm sorry," he mumbles, letting go of him. 

Tyler starts shaking his head again, his breathing still heavy. "Please leave," he says calmly.

"I can't leave you like this, Tyler,"

"Please," Tyler says, he voice shaking.

"Tyler, I am not-"

"Please!" His voice is desperate. 

Josh stares at him, his eyes cold. "Fine," he says bitterly. He drops the razor that was in his hand and walks out of Tyler's room. Tyler hears the front door slam. 

As soon as he is alone, Tyler quickly picks up the razor off the floor and runs into the bathroom. Even though he is alone, he locks the door. He sits on the floor, his shaking keep him from standing, and stares at the small metal razor in his palm. 

Tyler starts sobbing and squeezing the razor. It cuts deep in his hand. Shakily, he pulls his shirt sleeve up to reveal the semi fresh cuts on his arm. He sobs into them, the tears stinging the cuts. 

After a while of crying, he holds the razor up to his arm. He doesn't do anything. He can't move his body. He can't think of anything. 

He just wants to die. 

 

x

 

Josh feels terrible for leaving Tyler alone. He knows is isn't a good idea but he had no idea how to help he. He's just sitting in his car outside his house, staring at it, unable to move. 

All he can think about is how scared Tyler looked or how desperate he sounded. He never meant to scare him. He just fucks up sometimes. 

Josh isn't sure how it happens, but suddenly he's standing in front of Tyler's front door and he can feel himself pushing it open. "Tyler?" he calls hesitantly. No response. He walks further into the house. "Tyler?" Still nothing. "Tyler please answer. It me, Josh." 

He's walking slowly towards Tyler's room and that's when he hears sobbing coming from the bathroom. "Tyler!?" he shouts, running to the door. He tries to open it but it's locked. 

"Tyler, please open the door," Josh's voice shakes and he holds back tears. "Please, Tyler, just open the door." Josh desperately turns the handle but it won't budge. He can't lose Tyler. 

"G-Go away," Tyler barely gets out. 

"I am not leaving you, Tyler." 

Tyler lets out a loud sob and squeezes the razor tighter. "I-I-I ca-can't," is all Tyler can say. 

Josh, without thinking, bangs on the door, making Tyler jump and squeeze the blade harder. "Tyler, please open the fucking door!" Josh doesn't want to yell but he can't help it. He's panicking and crying at this point. Then, it goes painfully silent. "Tyler?" Josh practically whispers. 

He starts turning the door handle again, a wave of panic hitting him. "T-Tyler, please," he stutters, starting to sob. Still nothing. He bangs on the door again, unable to control anything he's doing. "Fuck, Tyler! Open the door! Please!" 

Josh can barely catch his breath as he pulls his phone out to call 911. He collapses against the door as he presses the phone to his ear. 

"911, what is your emergency?" a women's voice says. Josh tries to say something but it just comes out as a sob. "Hello?"

"M-My boyfriend tr-tried to... To k-kill himself," Josh finally gets out. 

"Where are you right now? Can I have an address?" Josh tells them where he is. "Alright, someone is on there way over. Can you calm down enough to tell me what happened?" 

Josh immediately starts explaining what happened, trying to fill the deafening silence from Tyler with his own voice. After a few minutes, he hears knocking on the door than people running into the house. He doesn't move from his spot on the floor. 

All of it's a blur after that. Somehow, they got the bathroom door open. Tyler was passed out on the bath room floor, blood pouring out of his wrist and hand. Josh was crying. He barely remembers following the ambulance to the hospital, or calling Tyler's parents, or leaving the hospital because he couldn't stand being there anymore, or when he got the call the Tyler was going to be staying in the hospital the rest of the week and wouldn't be able to have visitors until the weekend. 

All he remembers is the terrible feeling in his gut when he caught a small glimpse of Tyler lying in the hospital bed, asleep and hooked up to all those machines. All he remembers is the way Tyler's mom hugged him and said how she thought this would never happen. All he remembers is the way Tyler looked before Josh stormed out of his house. Completely hopeless. All he remembers is lying on his bed after coming home and crying, just wanting to hold Tyler in his arms. 

 

* * *

 

Tyler's been at the hospital for almost a week now. He hates it. He has never hated something so much. He misses home, his music, his family. He misses Josh.

And he can't stand any of the other people in the hospital. The nurses are OK, but all the kids who are just like him, scare him. They just remind him that he's just like them. That what happened to him, probably happened to them.  

Most days he speands all his time in his room, on leaving his room when his family visits or during hospital activities. He just can't get out of bed and face everyone. 

Now it's Saturday, and he's sitting in the tiny, overly crowded lounge area, surrounded by all the other kids. He's furiously writing in his journal, trying to get his thoughts onto paper as quickly as possible. 

"Tyler?" a nurse says. "You have a visitor," 

Tyler looks up and expects to see his mom, but instead sees Joshua Dun, the cute boy with bright pink hair from his math class, standing next to the nurse, holding flowers, mouthing a small "I love you" as soon as there eyes meet.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> See? Not as sad as my last one :/


End file.
